Simplicity

Having a baby to care for slows down my whole world.  You can't rush a baby to eat faster.  Diapers must be changed.  Naps must be taken.  Sleep deprivation sometimes makes the minutes stand still.

I love efficiency and sometimes the slower pace of life is infuriating.  As I sit and nurse Charlotte I make lists of all the things I will do once I can move around again.  I did the same thing when Desmond was a baby.  However, sometimes I'm able to be in the moment.  To notice how the sunlight shines through the window at that particular time of day.  To listen carefully to the birds' songs and hear their variety.  To marvel at an inch worm slowly making its way across a leaf.  Efficiency isn't bad but to miss out on the sacred parts of everyday life robs me of the wonder of being alive.

I'm so grateful for my babies.  I'm grateful for the imposition of inefficiency they bring into my life.  It's good for my soul.

Love Without Reason

A friend recently asked me what I like most about Charlotte. I didn't have a great answer off the cuff. After thinking about it for a while there are two things.  First, I love the person she will somehow become. All the potential and future days that (hopefully) lay ahead of her.  Second, I cherish the love I have for her even though she gives me no reason to love her.  (OK, her cute smiles are starting to be a decent reason.)  It's amazing to me how much you can love a baby just because he or she is yours.  There's nothing else in my life that brings out that kind of selfless, reasonless love in me.

Sparkle Stories

I've found an audio story site for children that I love so much I just have to share.  On our recent trip to North Carolina to visit family (more about that soon), I decided to try out a subscription to Sparkle Stories.   It's a site that has several different story lines for various ages.  They publish one 20 minute episode a week for each story line.

Desmond loved them.  During the trip he begged to listen to more Sparkle Stories.  It made the 25+ hours of driving much more manageable.  His favorites are the Martin and Sylvia stories.  The stories are simple, beautiful, well told and subtly instructive. Even I enjoy listening.

If you'd like to try it out, they've shared a coupon code so it only costs $1 for over 12 hours of fantastic story tellings. You just log in each week and download the mp3 files and can cancel your subscription anytime. Use the info below:

The magic code: SPARKLEFRIENDS
The magic page:  www.sparklestories.com/trysparkle

I hope you enjoy it as much as we have!

Buzz Cut

Mid-March Peter gave Desmond a buzz cut that matches his own. Now everyone in the family has been shaved at one point or another except Charlotte.

I thought Desmond might be disturbed at having all his hair cut off. Definitely not so. The first thing he did was to run his hand over his head. His eyes lit up as he squealed, "My head feels just like Daddy's!" Then he raced over to Peter to rub heads together. The rest of the evening we'd find him in front of the mirror mumuring with approval, "Oh yeah, I like my buzz cut." He was so concerned that bathtime would "wash away his good looking hair cut."

Teething

Charlotte's first tooth broke through at four months! Desmond was an earlier teether, so I shouldn't be surprised. Its arrival coincided with a cold, so who knows how much of her fussiness is due to teething versus being sick.

I guess I can't let my guard down and doze off during those nighttime feedings anymore.

This one really has nothing to do with teething. I just love the look on Desmond's face.

Help

These first months, my mom's visits have been invaluable. It's been difficult to transition to two children mostly because Desmond has fully embraced being three years old. It's been all out war at times; him constantly testing boundaries while we try to be consistent and firm despite our exhaustion. It's a fine line between shaping a child's will without breaking his spirit. Desmond has such a beautiful spirit. We've learned he has a much stronger will than we realized.

So when my mom comes, it has been nice to have ample attention to give each child and extra energy to invest in consistently disciplining Desmond. Consistency has never really been my strong point. If I survive parenthood, hopefully I will have grown in that area.

Puzzle Expert

During the last quarter of 2011 Desmond's main interests centered around building things. He built with Legos, with wooden block, with his Georello (thanks Janna!), with about anything he could get his hands on.

We've now moved on to puzzles. Desmond excels at geography puzzles. He has several versions of United States puzzles. Recently a neighbor has begun loaning us puzzles of the continents. It has been a ton of fun doing these with him. I'm re-learning a lot of geography (geography Sporcle, here I come!). It also gives us a natural platform to discuss other countries. It's humbling for me. "No Mom, Montenegro touches the Adriatic Sea, not the Aegean Sea!"

He hasn't learned modesty. (Perhaps it's because he doesn't know the bad form of pride yet?) You'll hear him say, "Oh I don't need help. I'm a puzzle expert. I'm really good at puzzles." I have to admit, he's right most of the time.

Why?

Once upon a time, long long ago before I had a preschooler, I couldn't understand why parents would get complain about their child asking "why" a lot. I mean, "why" is one of the best questions out there!

I'm really enjoying all of Desmond's "why" questions, but they do get exhausting. For instance at the end of a long day, our conversation ranged across questions like:

- Are people in Afghanistan nice?

- Why do we buy our yogurt? (Grandma makes hers)

- Why would people loan other people their stuff?

At this last question, worn out, I muttered, "I don't know." Desmond stopped everything, glared at me and said, "Mom you DO know. You know everything. Please don't say 'I don't know.' I REALLY need to know the answers."

How can that not warm your heart? I'm trying to suck it up and give thoughtful answers.

His "joking" lecture face.

Angry Bear

Apparently the bear outfit isn't very popular. Can you tell which one is Desmond and which is Charlotte?

Did the old couch probably give it away? Desmond is on top and Charlotte is on the bottom.

Third Month

Sleeping next to my birthday flowers, snuggled under Gran's blanket.

Learning to reach for things with Aunt Meg's "Ms. Whosit" (which reminds me of Wrinkle in Time).

Enjoying the mild winter. I normally love snow and cold temperatures,
but was grateful for a mild winter with a newborn.

2011 - A Year of Questions

2011 has been a year of questioning for me. There have been precious few sacred cows that haven't come under my scrutiny. It's been exhausting and scary. It's difficult to question things well. Deciphering what your true doubts are, seeking real answers, discerning when you must accept uncertainty takes emotional, spiritual and sometimes even physical energy, especially when you're questioning things that are really important to you and your worldview.

Before this year, I viewed myself as having a fairly large gray area of beliefs - at least for a Christian. By "gray area" I mean issues where there isn't a clear answer, even if I have a leaning towards a stance, I can't say for sure it's correct. This year's wandering have forced me to consider that perhaps that area of gray should be even larger. At one point, I realized I should be seeking levels of confidence, not certainty, on a lot of issues. (Spoken like a statistician, right?)

People who are supremely confident in their beliefs have irked me at times. In reality though, I'm mostly just jealous. I miss "knowing what I know." I've had to go through a bit of a grieving period in trying to let it go.

After months of wrestling, I at least know what some of my questions are. It's a little discouraging that's all the progress I've made. With a newborn in the house, I'm in survival mode and don't have the energy to deal with it. I hope this year wasn't in vain. I hope I won't abandon my quest, but will just pause for a while. I hope I'll have the courage to continue.

Second Month

I think my relatives just about had a heart attack when we received this dress for Charlotte at Christmas and I exclaimed that this was her first dress. :-) While I don't think we'll have more children, if we did I would remind myself that for the first three months, I prefer to keep babies (at least winter babies) mostly in their PJ's. It's just easier. I had forgotten how stressful it is to pull little arms and legs through all those clothes!

First dress.

I love seeing the difference in head size in this one.

This is the quintessential sibling photo....he begged to hold her
while I took a picture of them, yet they both aren't crazy about the idea.

First smiles

Being the second child didn't diminish the joy of having Charlotte start to smile. Making a baby smile is one of the happiest things in the world. All of my insides just lit up with happiness to watch her begin to smile.

Foot Cuddle

It's tough to let a three year old love on a newborn. At first, it mostly looked like this:

Then Desmond came up with a way he could cuddle with Charlotte without me. It looked like this:

We're calling it "foot cuddling." We spent about half an hour listening to music and foot cuddling this morning. It is heart warming to see Desmond so excited to be able to interact with his sister. In the meantime, she's carefree, oblivious to the "loving" dangers all around her.

First Month

We were fortunate to have family in town the first couple weeks after Charlotte's birth. Thankfully my recovery from the c-section was much smoother this time. It's amazing how much more you enjoy having a new baby around when you aren't experiencing surgery complications for yourself.

Snuggling and reading. I went through a nostalgic phase and re-read
a lot of my old favorite Madeline L'Engle books.

Best. Idea. Ever. Stephanie made up a little bed for Charlotte in this plastic container. It let us set her on the dining room table to sleep and easily carry her up and down stairs without waking her. Putting her in the box (uncovered of course!) also helped Desmond respect Charlotte's space while he adjusted to having a delicate baby around. She is just on the verge of out growing it in this photo. Thankfully I remembered to take a photo before she totally out grew it.

It was harder this time for me to restart using cloth diapers. I suppose the novelty was gone. But I slowly worked back into it. And I'm super grateful to be reusing Desmond's diapers with Charlotte.

A Birth Story

NOTE: We are going to rewind the clock and replay the past few months via the blog as I catch up on what the kids have been up to.

I'm going to share Charlotte's birth story. For those of you who are squeamish, read on.

November 3rd. My mom arrives to watch Desmond. Peter and I go out to Sweetwater for dinner. I eat more than humanly possible. We come home, I drink a glass of wine (nurse's "orders") and sleep soundly the whole night through.

Novmeber 4th. Wake up. Shower. Drive to hospital. At 9:03am, they cut me open. At 9:13am Charlotte Fern is born.

Story over.

Ah the joys of a scheduled c-section. It's not what I would ideally wish for, but it's my situation, so I make the best of it. (Note: Now that Charlotte is four months old, I look back on her birth and don't feel the ambiguous feelings of regret over the c-section that I felt at the time. Just having a healthy, thriving baby is really what is important.)

I must say, it is *fascinating* to experience a major surgery while awake. To listen to all the doctors and nurses work together so efficiently and smoothly. To hear their small talk as they sew you up. A medical student was observing, so I got to hear their instructive comments to her.

This time around I was actually more nervous than last time. Probably because I wasn't exhausted from 12 hours of (mild) labor. I was nervous the spinal tap would wear off in the middle of the surgery. Nervous that I would get a blood clot. Nervous that Charlotte wouldn't be OK. As soon as I heard her crying, all my fears dissolved and I could "relax." (A funny thing to say when you can't feel 75% of you body anyway.)

The weirdest part of the whole process was to feel them pushing and pulling on your mid-section. It didn't hurt at all, but I suspected someone was behind the curtain whacking me with a baseball bat and doing push-ups on my stomach. I kept thinking, "Surely that will hurt later." It did, but not that badly.

I think I mentioned this when Desmond was born, but it deserves repeating. The staff at INOVA Fairfax Hospital are incredible. They do their jobs thoroughly, professionally, excellently and without a hint of complaining (at least to the patients). It was inspiring to both Peter and me to be served by them.

Real Kids

While listening to the Forrest Gump Suite:

DK: This song is nice and quiet and peaceful.

KK: Yeah, I like it. Does it make you feel quiet and peaceful?

DK: No Mom. I'm a real kid.

Sad Things

Overheard while the grandparents were in town:

Babci: It's time to go inside.

DK: I don't want to. It makes me sad to go inside.

Babci: There are a lot of things in life we have to do that make us sad.

DK: Yeah. Like taking back library books.

Des and Vovô going outside.

Note: "Babci" means grandmother in Polish, "Vovô" is grandfather in Portuguese. It's what Desmond calls Peter's folks.

A Mighty Fortress

We bought a new dresser for Charlotte's room. The delivery men left the box. Box + 3 year old = lots o' fun. Peter and Des made a pretty cool multi-part fort that wraps around the sofa, complete with multiple look-outs, windows, skylights and doors.

Of course, not everything comes natural to all kids. Once inside Desmond said, "This is AWESOME.....uh, now what do I do in here?"

Week in Photos

Musical Expression

Desmond is in love with listening music. More or less than most kids, I don't know. It's been a fun development over the past few months. When he hears a song he likes, we let him add it to "Desmond's Playlist." It's not kids' music either - country, rap, soundtracks, indie, religious, classical all make the cut.

Nothing related to music....I just never posted a Halloween photo.

Some of the fascinating aspects of this:

• Emotional expression - He notices that songs have different feelings associated with them. The idea that Peter and I may think a song has a different feeling (hopeful vs. melancholy) blew his mind. It's fun to try to teach that people interpret art differently and that's part of its beauty. I've also been challenged to expand my own emotional vocabulary. Happy and sad just don't cut it. But it's also tough to explain the complexities of bittersweet, resentful, joyous, etc. to a kid. Tough, but fun. Emotional expression is my favorite part of this whole topic.
  
  
• Musical vocabulary - Des enjoys being able to describe the non-emotive aspects of a song. Words like vocals, lyrics, instrumental, names of instruments, rhythm, etc. I can tell he likes the power of being able to categorize what he is hearing.
  
  
• Language learning - He can recognize the artist and song title of over 30 songs on his playlist, regardless of the order. I know he isn't "reading" yet and has probably just memorized these details. I do think this is part of a stepping stone in his path to literacy.

And since this blog is partially for Desmond's future keepsake, here are some of the songs currently on his playlist. I think he has pretty good taste. You should check them out!

Montgomery Gentry - Gone

Dierks Bentley - Sideways

K-O's - Crabbuckit

Rusted Root - Send Me On My Way

Natasha Bedingfield - Strip Me

Decemberists - Sons and Daughters

Kanye West - Jesus Walks

Celtic Worship - Be Thou My Vision

Keith Green - Holy, Holy, Holy

Forrest Gump Suite

Ennio Moricone - Songs from "The Mission"

Eddie From Ohio - Number Six Driver

Slow Club - Christmas TV

Lady Gaga - Alejandro, Poker Face, Just Dance

Beyonce - If I Were a Boy, Halo, Single Ladies

Natalie Walker - Colorblind

Rockabye Baby - Just Breathe