Friday, July 11, 2008

I Do What I Don't Want to Do

I was not prepared for the emotional roller coaster that accompanies pregnancy. I fancy myself as someone who can fully embrace emotions while still being controlled about it. Since becoming pregnant, I definitely have days where I lose this (semblance of?) control. Usually, these "bad" days are triggered by me not being able to handle simple changes to a plan or schedule. For some reason, I can't seem to let go of my own expectations and roll with the new plan. It will take me hours to recover from something as silly as changing the meal plan for the week.

One of the oddest parts of this experience is that occasionally I am fully aware of how irrational, disproportionate and unkind my reaction is in the very moment of my reaction. Yet I don't stop. I keep on sulking or angrily responding.

Thankfully others are quick to forgive my outbursts. I've learned to show myself grace in these situations as well, despite my disappointment with myself. These reactions have piqued my curiosity about times where we act one way, knowing full well we should act differently and even wanting to act differently. It's as if I'm acting out a dramatization of Paul's words in Romans 7, watching myself do what I don't want to do.

It's amazing to think that we have the power to be different. That we don't have to succumb to our rebellious, prideful, stubborn, tendencies. Maybe we don't get it right all the time, but there is hope that through Jesus we can be different and choose to react differently.

My emotional reactions during pregnancy are an amplification of my non-pregnant tendencies and reveal a lot about myself. While I may not like the picture they sometimes paint, I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn from it for the future.

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