Thursday, October 21, 2010

Simple Love

Sometimes love comes from the simplest places.

Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I told Desmond, "Mommy is a little sad right now." He gave me a hug, found a framed photo of Peter and handed it to me saying, "Des will make Mommy happy."

Friday, October 08, 2010

Something Beautiful

As Desmond and I were talking a walk through the forest near our house, he said, "Des want to scare some beautiful things." While I don't think these words mean what he thinks they mean, I'm still excited he's only two and already almost-quoting Fight Club. ("I felt like destroying something beautiful.")

He could improve on his selection. I'd prefer....

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. "

"I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection."

"The things you own end up owning you."

"Welcome to Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club!"

But there's time still.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010


Previously I mentioned September had its moments of sadness. To be more specific, I had my second consecutive miscarriage two weeks ago. I was 7 weeks pregnant.

Originally I wasn't going to blog about this. It's so personal. The blog is so....well, public. I was swayed as I reflected on how often miscarriages happen versus how frequently we talk about it. The stats vary dramatically, but conservative estimates say 1 out of every 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. While I don't want to be a fear-monger, it's a stat worth knowing.

Once you've had one, fellow miscarriers pour out of the woodworks with sympathy, stories of hope and of grief. Now I'm part of those numbers. I wouldn't want someone to feel alone in their own miscarriage.

The other reason I wasn't intending to blog about this is because of the question I dread. "How are you doing?" I have no clue how to answer this. I had a miscarriage. It was pretty miserable. I was quite surprised (despite the numbers I just quoted). I was sad. I'm still sad at times. But I'm not overwhelmed by grief. I'm not on the verge of least not right now. I'm moving on.

I'm realizing I don't know how to grieve very well. I can intellectually tell you a lot of reasons why, in the big picture, life is good. I'm a big picture person. These reasons are very compelling to me. Reconciling the immediate with the long term view of life is difficult for me. It leaves me awkwardly speechless at, "How are you doing?"

So know it's not you, it's me. And as I plough through what grief looks like, I'm gratefully giving Desmond extra hugs and kisses. Thank goodness he's not too cool for them....yet.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Fall Festival

It is so. much. fun. to enjoy the changing of seasons with a child. I enjoyed them quite a bit on my own, but sharing it with a kid is even better.

So happy.

I knew was fortunate for perfect weather during strawberry picking. Fireworks for the Fourth of July took on a whole new fun with Des around. As fall approaches, I'm gearing up for a whole new season of autumn pleasures. Fall festivals, apple picking, leaf collecting, raking (the leaves that will be picked up by the ground crew anyway...).

This week we went to Cox Farm's Fall Festival. Desmond isn't the most adventuresome kid, but he surprised me by going down HUGE slides by himself, excitedly running off on his own (not ideal), and not getting scared by stuff that normally freaks him out. I'm really enjoying watching him grow up.

That isn't the wind; I just need to get better about combing his hair.