Thursday, March 22, 2012

2011 - A Year of Questions

2011 has been a year of questioning for me. There have been precious few sacred cows that haven't come under my scrutiny. It's been exhausting and scary. It's difficult to question things well. Deciphering what your true doubts are, seeking real answers, discerning when you must accept uncertainty takes emotional, spiritual and sometimes even physical energy, especially when you're questioning things that are really important to you and your worldview.

Before this year, I viewed myself as having a fairly large gray area of beliefs - at least for a Christian. By "gray area" I mean issues where there isn't a clear answer, even if I have a leaning towards a stance, I can't say for sure it's correct. This year's wandering have forced me to consider that perhaps that area of gray should be even larger. At one point, I realized I should be seeking levels of confidence, not certainty, on a lot of issues. (Spoken like a statistician, right?)

People who are supremely confident in their beliefs have irked me at times. In reality though, I'm mostly just jealous. I miss "knowing what I know." I've had to go through a bit of a grieving period in trying to let it go.

After months of wrestling, I at least know what some of my questions are. It's a little discouraging that's all the progress I've made. With a newborn in the house, I'm in survival mode and don't have the energy to deal with it. I hope this year wasn't in vain. I hope I won't abandon my quest, but will just pause for a while. I hope I'll have the courage to continue.


Erin said...

Have you read Evolving in Monkeytown by Rachel Held Evans? It is an easy, funny and very honest memoir about her walk through doubts. I really enjoyed it, and I left feeling encouraged even though I didn't actually have any new answers to my questions.

Kati patrianoceu said...

you're awesome! Isn't it great that we have a whole lifetime to doubt and work through doubts? (that makes me tired just to think of it, tho, eh?) Love you!

Katharine said...

Erin - I've been meaning to email you about that book for months now! I did read it last year and also enjoyed the way that you take comfort from sharing in others' discomfort.